When first confronting my disability at such a young age, self-doubt was wrapped up with many other issues at the time. There were insurmountable doubts about everything in my life. When looking at my eyes in the mirror it was as though I could see this all at once. Recognizing something as simply defined as self-doubt would have been refreshing at the time. For me, at that time of tremendous turmoil to have seen a doubt within my spirit would have been nothing more than another delusion thrust upon me from the depths of fear and anxiety.

Doubts are disguised in truths. Doubts are intrinsically related to the truth. Doubts exist within your beliefs of all that you know. Doubts are scary.

Whether disabled or not, surely somewhere down deep exists a haunting doubt about you yourself. To first identify then face these doubts is a difficult and tedious task that demands patience, produces pain and creates anxiety. These familiar feelings are often the results of doubts cast upon disabled people by able-bodied people.

Having lived the past thirty-two years with one arm, I’ve seen hurting gloom thrown upon me for no other reason except that I’m disabled. When able-bodied people see a person with a severe physical disability, they immediately assume that you can’t do anything. Not just physically but psychologically as well. Again and again I’ve seen regular people who are considered to be successful and sensitive only to be recognized as the most insensitive and unaware people. It’s a large part of society whom are the biggest purveyors of doubt. It is very difficult in many personal ways to spend time in the company of those who believe you have little ability to accomplish anything in this world.

I’ve found this condition to be one of the most energy-draining constants I must live with as a disabled person. When I was young it didn’t bother me as much as it does now. The relentless everyday pressure of people shrouding me in their bottomless doubt is emotionally draining. To spend such great energy on validating your existence to strangers will bring weariness to the greatest of spirits. The never-ending barrage of doubt erodes and eventually exhausts even the most confident personality.

Without realizing, many "normal" people force self-doubt upon us. They make us re-live their doubts again and again. This is not to say they want this to happen, but pathetically, they are unaware. We, living with disability has made us very aware of people’s thoughts and feelings. To see the enormity of the bias and ignorance on such a conscious reflex level is shocking. This makes the battle, or should I say, the possibility for change very difficult. To alter an inherent way of thinking in anybody is almost impossible.

After years of effort thwarting demons that have robbed my peace of mind, it’s become more important not to expect anyone will understand what I’ve accomplished: at least any able-bodied people. I began to understand that so many people around me could never understand all of the effort that my spirit has exerted lifting me from the terror of the darkness that shrouded me. I know they don’t know because their behavior would be very much different if they did know. Even with friends and family so many are still unaware of their behavior.

Regular everyday people undermine almost all my endeavors with doubt. Simple everyday tasks are made more complicated because of able-bodied people watching you so carefully. In public, if a disabled person makes the slightest physical mistake (and believe me "regular" people are watching like a hawk!) it’s magnified to a much greater extent than if an able-bodied person was caught in the same clumsy situation. One’s physical disability has elevated the simplest social endeavor to a critical situation whereupon embarrassment and loss of dignity are the results if all isn’t done neatly and accepted by the "regular" people who are watching. This is an extremely difficult situation that cannot be shaken. The only resort to peace of mind is to reconcile within your spirit that all will be OK somehow, maybe later.

The insidious nature of self-doubt is nothing less than destructive. To have everything in your life, from the largest to the smallest, undermined by the ever-present worry that you may not be able to "do it" will sap energy from your spirit on a daily basis. Life is an ever-changing set of circumstances that no one has real control over. Whether you’re able-bodied or physically disabled, within life’s affairs the doubts created are staggering in dimension resulting in a profusion of uncertainties. As usual though, the disabled pay a bigger price to live with life’s standard nerve-racking occurrences. No matter how stable and sure-footed and individual may be, strange dissembled worries and fears seep into even the surest of consciousness.

What are we going to do about all of this? Maybe nothing, I guess. As we reach deep within for the wisdom and strength to battle self doubt, precious time is taken from us. The gift of life awards time to pursue life’s joys. If our time is taken away in a distressful effort to make life tolerable, this will rob us of the precious time to "live". This from the need to battle self doubt. A need to survive. If I do not battle, then I will never survive.

A choice is made, or rather that is made for us, by the instinct to survive. When you think you have survived, then you have. This brings with it a clear mindedness without the worries and concerns that self-doubt produces.

These trials and tribulations will never end. To stay strong through these times, is very difficult and surely is the most disturbing parts of our (the disabled) lives. I believe that realistically knowing your weaknesses and your limitations is the most important key to stepping beyond tormenting self-doubt. If indeed you know what your limitations are, there will be the end of self-doubt. Doubts are created from feeling grave concern about one’s personal ability to control the outcome of an endeavor. If you already know that it either can or can’t be done, then there will be greater peace of mind afforded because limits and truths have been acknowledged from within yourself.

All Rights Reserved 2002 Kurt W. Franke