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Sabina
by Len
Bourret
(Copyright 2006)
A
glimpse from the past. A glimpse of the present.
A bank
teller. She was young and pretty, in her early twenties, with wavy blond hair
and the bluest of eyes. A Russian girl, a Marina Oswald one-of-a-kind, petite,
vivacious, and with breasts like strawberry passion, drenched in waves of hot
chocolate. Her lips, glossed and shimmery, in the shade of fire engine red. Her
fingernails painted in a contrasting shade of jungle red.
Her eyes stared at me, or through me, with sheer curiosity and such serious
intensity. I just stood there, fidgeting and self-consciously, with my fat
Buddah's belly, feeling and thinking like a beached whale. Why was this
happening, to me, diagnosed with a medical and psychiatric disability, at the
mature age of 59 and following two devasting, gay relationships.
Admittedly, I was isolated and lonely but, after ten years on Social Security
disability, I in no mood or in good, physical shape to consider another
relationship's wild roller coaster ride. All I wanted was to stop the world's
carousel, and impulsely get off. Titanic's wreckage was all around me and my
lifeboat, going around and around in vertigo-like circles, had a glaring hole in
it. My energy was completely exhausted, and I wasn't even interested enough to
bail out the boat. And, why would any vital, young girl be at all interested in
a rather plain and ordinary, plump old man on disability?
The entire situation struck me as old, as my memories flashed back at the past
years I had wasted away in gay bars, unsuccessfully trying to land a gay prince,
and man of my dreams. In my still younger years, I unsuccessfully tried to land
a straight princess, and woman of my dreams. At that time, women thought me not
man enough to meet their expectations. The chemistry was not right, those women
said. But, I always surmised that I was just too gay. When women did not seem to
express any interest in me, at-all-what so ever, I made an assumption
(accurately or inaccurately) that I was just too different to meet women's
expectations, and so I deducted that I must be gay.
The truth is that women did not, at-the-time anyway, make me horny. But, it must
be said that gay sex has never made me get excited enough to do handstands. And,
I never met my gay prince or my straight princess. Perhaps, my expectations
always exceeded the people around me and true-life situations. I did experience
gay orgasms, but the excitement was fleeting and never exceeded the temporary,
five-minute blastoff. And, somehow, taking off in an exploding rocket (to me)
should have been more exciting than this! And, I never even met a rich or
famous, gay adonis. Imperfection seems to be all around me, and I am the most
imperfect human being of all.
Additionally, I was never known for a successful track record. Admittedly, I
think I would make the
Guinness Book of Records for being fired from, or laid off from, the greatest
number of jobs of any
human being in the entire universe. I hated to work because my employers would
not let me do what I wanted, and get paid for it. And, besides, my employers
were always too stingy to share a portion of their profit margin which, somehow,
never compared to my frugal salary. I have always been at the bottom of the
economic ladder and, somehow, when I went on Social Security disability ten
years ago, it was a blessed relief that I did not have to show up for another,
grueling day of work.
But,
perhaps, if I had met Sabina years earlier in my life, I would not be wearing a
baby boomer's
disability life jacket, and would not be contributing to an aging population. My
beloved Titanic has
sunk,
Eleanor Roosevelt's new deal has become a raw deal, the stock market has crashed
in 1929, we are entering the great depression of the new millennium and, I, a
member of the "baby boomers" aging should jump out of a window (like the wealthy
did after the stock market crash), or let myself drown in the Titanic's cold and
bleak icy waters (like the third-class passengers did in steerage), way back on
that fateful day in 1912.
Read
Titanic's Timeline...
http://www.euronet.nl/users/keesree/timeline.htm
"Baby
Boomers" Beware! Aging Population Threatens U.S. Triple-A Rating...
http://www.usatoday.com/money/economy/2006-06-06-us-rating_x.htm?csp=26
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