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Holidays and Reunions, Enemies of Denial
by Peggy Lowell
I was planning to go to a family reunion today. I knew
about it about twoweeks ago and had spent a lot of time hoping and praying that it would
be agood day for me. Reality has set in. I went to bed last night feeling the beginnings
of what is nowa familiar feeling...the yucks creeping up on me. I woke this morningfeeling
just horrible and the last thing that I felt like doing is talkingto relatives that I
hadn’t seen in years. “But”, my mind says, “this maybe your last
chance to see so and so, and theywill think that you don’t care about them if you
don’t go.” But I canbarely get out of bed to call my mom and tell her things
don’t look so good.“And,” my mind continues, ”maybe this is
psychosomatic....you really don’twant to go and you’ve made yourself good and
sick so that you don’t feelobligated.”Well, I DO feel obligated sick or not and
I feel really bad that I’m notgoing. But the little voice creeps in; “You really
could go if you wantedto. So what if you’re sick? Just smile and put in an
appearance. Actnatural and everything will be fine.”But the reality is that I am sick
and these occasions bring that harsh factinto sharp focus. I cannot continue to live in
denial,and that is hard to deal with. In my day to day life, I have a schedulethat caters
to my illness. I sleep when I’m tired, eat when I’m hungry,work when I can and
when I can’t, I don’t. But the world creeps in and putsforth it’s social
expectations and that,to me, is the really hard part of being sick. Explaining that,
“I knowthere is a couch for me to rest on, but I really prefer to be upright when
I’m visiting.” Actually I prefer to be awake, and the hour of the reunion is1:00
pm, just the time of day when I can no longer keep my eyes open, evenon a good day.So
bottom line is, holidays and family reunions are my enemies. My lifewould be just great
without them. They are the enemy of my denial. Theyremind me of the reality of the
condition of my health. I don’t like to bereminded of that.Please understand I’m
not blaming people who organize reunions and planholiday festivities. I credit them for
making efforts tobring people together. Maybe I’m too sensitive to the social
pressures.Maybe I should just say. I’m too sick, I can’t come. Maybe I can make
itnext time. I’m not too sick everyday, but today I am. Thank you for
theinvitation.Right now, I must admit I don’t have a strategy for dealing with
thisdilemma. Every time I must refuse an invitation I go through theguilt and struggle
with the decision.The question has to be...why do I pile guilt on myself when I must
stayhome. Maybe the missing the party is punishment enough.Maybe I should ease off of
myself and have compassion for a person who issick and lives a life very different from my
healthy friends. Maybe nexttime I will treat myself differently. I do hope so.When I have
to stay home, I usually feel sad for a while, and then Itry to have a good day. However,
because of this illness, Ihave missed an event that will never happen again. That is sad
to me. I’ve spent the day alone again...well, not entirely alone. I do have
mykittikins and my nice little home. I do have my nice balcony and thebeautiful sky to
gaze out at. I have the quiet andpeace of my own company. I have my prayers to say, my
artwork, my soap tomake and my business to attend to.And besides, I can visit my friends
and relatives in my imagination. I’llwear a hat and a smile in my mind’s eye and
dream of the day that my friendsand relatives are coming here and I’m having a Good
day. Or I wake up on theday of a family reunion feeling good and strong and there is no
question ofwhether I will go or not. I’ll just go.So as we look ahead to the
holidays, it may serve us well to remember thatwe may not be able to do everything. As my
friendDenise (who also has CFS) counseled me today, “Some days are the pits nomatter
how hard we try to make successes of them. Try to remember when youwere healthy, those
days came then too. We were never perfect and couldnever accomplish all that we wanted to.
Now we just see that more clearlybecause we are limited in what we used to be able to
do.”During the holidays, others may have expectations of us that are notrealistic
based on our health status. We can choose carefully among ouropportunities and without
shame, be respectful of our physical conditions.We can relax and be stilland let the magic
happen around and in us. And really, all will be well.Comments or questions -
lmsoap@pressenter.com (715)426-0261Update! Just wanted to let you know the world did not
end because I didn’tmake it to the reunion...as a matter of fact the relatives
trooped down toRiver Falls the day after to visit me....and I was having a Good Day!
(Nohat though.)
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