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Hi I am Monique and this is my Bi-Polar story . Today for the 1st time in 20 years I can sit here in "real time" without a dark cloud encasing my entire being, with my blinds on my windows open, without being in my bed 20 out of 24 hours, without having to concentrate so hard everyday just to "try to feel normal" and seem normal to everyone around me if I had to interact, not to have anxiety wondering when my next mood change would just take me over, wondering how much more I could possibly drink just to make it seem as if I could feel things around me and then worry if I drank too much, what stupid thing I would do next and most of all, after 20 years, not sitting here every moment of every day wishing I would just die because working so hard to live like a normal person was a seemingly never ending hell that I knew was never going to get any better. What I just described is just a part of what my disease is like.
Life with Bi-polar is like running a never ending marathon to nowhere. On and off since my 1st daughter was born in 1982, I had blue periods. Parts of the day when my daughter was a baby, I would just sleep and sleep all day. To this day my daughter tells she does not like the term "take a nappy nap", because we did that all day alot. I was depressed and didn't know it. Then I got pregnant with my 2nd daughter, I was ready to leave my husband at that time and sat at a nearby railroad track contemplating jumping in front of the next train, I felt hopeless, like life would never get better, by some miracle, that man came home early from work with flowers and stopped me from harming myself. I don't think he even knew the severity of what he stopped. Even then, I just thought, I was going through a spell and it would get better. Years go by I have depressive episodes on and off, I snap in and out of them. Around the 90's I begin to have more sever mood changes including very manic episodes. During the manic episodes I hardly sleep more than 4 hours at a time, I work around the clock, I have all these ideas, so many in fact, I can't even process it all, my brain is like an explosion of information.
Then in 93' comes a 2 year low. If it were not for one friend who listened to me and stayed by my side everyday, I would have ended it there. I just thought that a break-up with a boyfriend was the cause of it, it was much more than that. I slept all day, gained 50 pounds, if I did go out, I did drugs and drank a lot and my children would see me come home after 3 days or so looking like hell. They never blamed me, they just knew that to be me. I won't even go into the promiscuity, that is unbelievable.
In 95' I snapped out of it and became manic again. I lost the 50 pounds and now was working at a strip clubs in Houston. I made alot of money, drank so much, only by God's hand did I make it home every night. I accumulated 14 traffic tickets and was never taken in, they just kept racking up. In September I met someone who was to become my now husband "S". I met him through the friend that stuck with me from my depression. From the day we met, we didn't part. A month after I met him, my luck with the tickets ran out. I got caught during a bust on one of the clubs I was working at and it ended up over $3000. of tickets and warrants were found on me. Thank God for "S", he bailed me out and I paid him back. I was lucky, if it were not for him, I would have spent months in jail.
After 2 years we moved in together and he bought a house for us and the girls. Despite all my trouble making, he saw a good person inside me. The girls finally were attending a good school and I was trying another form of employment. Managing clothing stores was something that worked out for me very well. It all came together very naturally for me. Being manic, I had a new store open and was #1 in the company for jewelry sales out of 110 stores, I was on my way to Senior Manager within 6 months. Then I up and quit. The manic ness had me all tensed up, I couldn't sleep at night thinking of ways to re-do the walls, how to tell my District Manager how to more efficiently do her job, I was so stressed out all day and all night. The night I quit, I called and let my DM and left a message about her inefficiency and I was moving on. I just won a trip to Florida with my company also. I just left. My District Manager was the sweetest person on earth and did not deserve any of what I said or did. Me quitting like that took a toll on her, several other stores, other Managers quit, I made a mess.
So I found another job. This store was insane and I broke my ankle during Christmas. I made more money, but it was not worth it. After 8 months I quit. Then worked for another company, that didn't work out either, by this time my moods started swinging again. Then I went back to the first company (the clothing store). I was managing a different location. Even though I had quit so suddenly, the company knew I did a good job, so they re-hired me. Well, this location wasn't working well, my ankle was nowhere near healed, I could barely stand and my mood swings and depression were getting so bad, I was drinking at lunch time. I never, ever did that before, then one night I drank and got so depressed that I took a 9mm gun, put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger.
The gun did not go off, the safety was off, but it wouldn't fire. I don't know how this happened, but thank God it did. I finally went to see a doctor. I had been talking to a customer about my symptoms and she referred me. I went and it was found out that I had thyroid problems. I was put on Armour Thyroid, Paxil, Buspar, Depkote and birth-control pills to help control the mood swings. When I took these I was dizzy and did not continue to take them. I had sexual side affects with the Paxil and was still depressed, I read up in the Depakote and thought that it was only for seizures, my husband had a vasectomy, so I thought I didn't need the B-control pills and I generally was feeling a bit better. My mistake was feeling better, thinking I knew better and not asking my Dr. enough questions about what each medication was for. I made my own assumptions. I mean, I'm feeling better, why take all that stuff right? Then we move to another state.
My husband gets a promotion and we move to Kansas. The Dr. in Kansas doesn't think I need my depression medication anyway. My husband and I take a lot of trips with the company, a private cruise to the Italian and French Riviera, Scotland, about every good travel spot in Mexico. It seems like we go on a vacation every month, but why is it I feel depressed, I feel like I'm not really there. Even when it is extremely sunny out, I don't like to put on sunglasses because I feel like I have some kind of inner shade in my head that clouds everything all the time anyway. More and more during the next years, I won't wear sunglasses, because it's getting harder and harder to feel in real time. I have a wonderful marriage, my kids are doing great, I have a great life, why do I feel do I feel so depressed all the time? Now, I am starting to have very bad times of the month also, I am feeling a million times worse right before my time of the month, every couple of months I'm getting worse and worse. I am starting to contemplate suicide a lot now. It is now taking effort everyday for me to just function. I am working and then I get into the manic phase again. I am working at a salon, I do a great job there, but we have to move again. My husband lost his job due to a merger.
Now we are in Wisconsin. I work at a jewelry store, I am fine. Then my daughter graduates and in the summer they move back to Houston. They like it better there, they don't like Wisconsin much. Well, they're old enough now and they have alot of their dad's family there. Now it's just my husband and I. Around this time I go to my Dr. and tell her about my depression I have been having probably due to "Empty Nest" syndrome, so she prescribes Celexa, this is not working, I feel like sleeping all the time, so then I move on to Wellbutrin, this makes me feel evenly depressed all day, never "normal", then we go to just Buspar, I remembered when I took that in Houston, it just calmed me down, but had no depressive side effects. I also relayed to her that on or before my periods, I am having even more severe depression and my periods are becoming very irregular, sometimes 2X a month, or not the right color and most of all, none of the previously prescribed anti-depressants worked during these times. They just quit working period.
I asked her if I should see a Gynecologist and she said "no", I would be fine, just take more Buspar. A few months go by and now even the Buspar is failing to work, I also am getting anxiety attacks. What ever is going on with me, I am getting worse and I am no longer able to control what is happening to me. I now am at the point that I am no longer working, any stress is giving me a panic attack, I think that my blood-pressure medication needs to be upped, because I constantly feel like I can't breath well when I get excited. I tell my Dr. she says everything is fine, it's just my imagination.
Well, it's June of 2003 now and it's my husbands birthday, it also happens to coincide with my period. That night after going out with him (and yes drinking), I get the 9mm and it goes back in my mouth, I pull the trigger and this time the hollow point bullet just drops on the floor from the slide out of the chamber. Once again a miracle, I stand there looking at it and then point it away to see if it will fire, it doesn't, then I point at me again and it doesn't and the safety is not on. Even in the state I am in, I know I need help. This time I realize that this is not something that will go away, that there must be a reason I am here and I have pushed my luck with this gun for the last time. And yes, this is a fully functional gun. At this point, my husband removes all the guns and locks them up, I don't even want to know where. We had a virtual arsenal in the house, being from Texas, this is not so out of the ordinary.
I decide on my own that I need to see a Gynecologist. The Gyno that I found was out having her own baby, so I could wait or make an appointment with her Nurse Practitioner. I had researched the Gyno's in this town and I already knew the doctor situation was not good. So I saw the N.P. She listened and understood and actually cared about what was going on. We took a hormone level and it was found that I am peri-menoapusal, so I was put on Mircette B-Control pills and Zoloft. I started out with 50mg of Zoloft, it didn't seem to last very long, and then my prescription was upped. I did have a craving to drink on this also.
During my depression this time I was staying home a lot, I did not want to leave the house, open my blinds, I only talked on the phone if my mood was right, I would go outside some, I live on a river and I would sit on the dock. I was still depressed though, so the Zoloft was upped again, I had absolutely no thoughts of suicide which was good, but now I was not even coming out of my house, I barely would get the mail. I also stopped wearing make-up, cancelled hair and nail appointments. I was losing touch with every part of who I was. At the next Zoloft adjustment, was when I realized I had a real problem. Now I was not coming out of my room, I slept all day, was up all night, even the next door neighbor thought I was out of town.
My husband’s parents came to visit. I was up all night, not even waking up until 3pm to do anything. So, I started weaning myself off of the Zoloft and finally decided it was time to see a Psychiatrist. I also was at such an all time low that I could not be alone. I asked my mother to visit for 2 weeks while I found a Psychiatrist. I no longer had control and did not know what would happen to me next. My moods were now swinging every 15 min., or hour, just unbearable. I looked to see who was on my list through my insurance and there were only 2 doctors within a 50 mile radius on the list and the 2 were not accepting new patients. I had a week long battle with my insurance company about this and refused to pay a higher rate if I used someone else since it was their job to provide for me.
Finally I got 2 names of 2 other DR's I could use. I saw the 1st one and the whole process was very unprofessional, mid-visit he asked me if I had insurance, he knew I had attempted suicide and he never even asked when I last contemplated it, my mother and husband came with me to the office, he did not even want to meet my husband or mother, he was a bad Dr and had no business he was in at all. To make matters worse, he prescribed Paxil, which he already knew I had a bad interaction with. I left feeling more depressed and hopeless than when I had come in and it already was a hard enough decision to make to decide to even see a psychiatrist, I had a stigma in my mind of people who saw P-Docs, so this was really devastating to me.
I went to my Gyno and let her know how I was feeling and that I thought it was time to see a professional about my medication and told her I had gone on my own and that I had not told her because I was embarrassed, she understood and said that she was glad I made that decision and gave me the name of 2 really good Psychiatrists in town. One on that list was the current Dr I have now. As soon as I called, I was asked to bring my spouse and told that their policy was to meet with one of the Clinical Therapists for an evaluation, so that the Psychiatrist would have time to assess my situation.
When I got to my 1st visit, I was given a big questionnaire to fill out that really covered everything about what I was feeling, what I wanted to accomplish, traumatic events that had happened in my life etc. Everything was very professional, very thorough and I, being that my spouse was able to be there felt even better because I wasn't alone in this and he is able to better understand what I am going through. Also, when I go on visits to this doctor, my husband is able to tell the doctor what results he sees in me, because a lot of times others see many things that you yourself do not. This doctor found that instead of depression, I may be Bi-Polar. I matched every symptom on the list, I wasn't missing one. So he said that he would try the Depakote as opposed to the Lithium, due to my underactive thyroid, since Lithium can cause the thyroid to become even more underactive.
The 1st 3 days, I was knocked out from the Depakote and pretty dizzy, but I do remember sitting on my couch and a comedy show was on and I laughed. I realized that I did, then realized that it had been so long that I had actually heard myself laugh. It was a small, yet defining experience for me. The next month was very manic for me, I would get no more than 5 hours of sleep and had real anger issues about everything. Alot was aimed at my poor husband and honestly I did not know how much more of that we could take, that was one long month. The adjustment was part being off the Zoloft, partly also was the fact that, instead of sleeping when I got depressed I was awake and this was alot for me. I am glad that did subside though. I am currently on 2000 mg of the Depakote, 15mg Abilify, 40mgs Aderall & Klonopin. The anger is gone, the anxiety is gone and when I look at things, I am here in real time, I can see, feel and the best part of the Depakote that has worked for me is that it completely took away my craving or need for alcohol, that was a plus I did not expect. I feel like a normal person. I am wearing my make-up, I go to the store, I noticed the other day that I "shut" a cabinet; it was strange for me and caught my attention because I am so used to a slamming noise. As for that really angry manic episode where I was on a lower dose of Depakote, we still don't know how my period had affected it. I was having a very bad one, one of my all monthers, so we have to wait and see what happens.
I for what seems like the first time in life, feel like I am starting to be able to rebuild my life. I know that this is something I will be dealing with for the rest of my life and that my battle is not yet over. I am just glad to be able to sit here in real time. I am also ADHD, so that is something that we will be working on as well. I just want to say, that if it weren’t for my family, especially my husband being there for me through all these years of insanity and being able to see the good person that really was insid, I don't know where I would be right now. That support is the difference between life and death. And I also cannot stress enough the importance of taking the medication everyday.
Due to having High Blood Pressure and Hypo-thyroidism, I learned that when you have a disease, you must take your medication everyday. If I don't take my blood pressure medication I will have a heart attack and die and I know that if I stop my Bi-Polar medication I will commit suicide and die. It is the same. I should have taken my medication in Houston and stuck to it. I know better now. I want to live, I don't want to destroy my life or my family's life or affect anyone else's life in a negative way anymore and I can do this by continuing to take my medication. Life may not be perfect, but I will do my best to help myself. I hope somehow this helps someone. |
