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Disability and Your SpouseWhen a person becomes disabled, the initial reaction is to think only of themselves. We think, why me? We start feeling sorry for ourselves and let's face reality, it's all about us. Its honey do this and honey do that. I can’t do that baby can you please do it for me? Sweetheart, can you please help me……? Yes, just fill in the blank. What can your sweetheart do for you this moment? Does this sound familiar to you? Let me ask you this, have you given any thought to how your disability is affecting your sweetheart? If you haven’t, maybe you should. Let's figure out the ways that your disability is affecting your sweetheart. Financially, if you have become totally disabled and you don’t have the luxury of a good disability income insurance policy, your sweetheart now becomes the only breadwinner in the family. In a family where both partners work to make ends meet, the spouse who continues to work will have tremendous pressures on them, whether they are male or female. You have to be aware of this. What I would suggest is to sit down together and work out a budget based on the one salary and stick to it no matter what happens. What is important here is that all of the decisions about this budget are made together. One person should not be dominant in decision making. A frequent mistake that people make is that the breadwinner, male or female will try to dominate the budget because they are the ones working. That is disastrous. Reason being the disabled partner will feel even more inadequate and will withdraw from the relationship. Let's assume that the male is the disabled partner and there is adequate insurance money for the woman to continue to stay at home and take care of the children. Your lives will still change financially because you are only insured for 66% of your pre-disability income. A budget is still a necessity as cutbacks are inevitable. Your budget will need to be reevaluated every year or so as the kids get bigger. The bigger they get, the more they will cost. This especially is true if your insurance policy is fixed and doesn’t increase every year with the cost of living. In the first year of my disability, I had only one child in school, and my policy seemed enormous. Currently, I have three in school and with all of the clothes, parties, outings, movies, takeouts etc. I have had to readjust our budget just to make ends meet. Here again both partners need to be involved with the budget every time it is revisited. Some would argue that it would be easier for the man to become the sole breadwinner after a spousal disability than a female. I disagree, the financial pressures are the same regardless of gender. To stress the point again, it needs to be a mutual decision between two partners. Next, we need to discuss the area of care giving. Obviously, gender will play a major role here. Before we discuss the lifestyle changes that will occur to the caregiver, let me take time to talk directly to you the disabled person. The spouse who is the caregiver is taking care of you out of love. Please remember that. There is no obligation here beyond the love and the commitment to the relationship. Therefore, accept the care giving graciously. Do as much for yourself as you physically can. Never demand that your spouse do something for you especially if you can do it for yourself. The more you demand from your spouse, the easier it is for your spouse to harbor resentment that can lead to the destruction of the relationship. What does the caregiver go through? Let's start by dissecting what happens emotionally and physically to them. The first thing that they go through is a state of shock. Their night in shinning armor or fairy princess is hurting. They need to come to the rescue. Usually, they will do this without any problems initially. This is because like you, they have a hard time believing that your physical impairment is permanent. This occurs even with a loss of limb. Finality is not an issue with them. Women tend to mother in this situation and men think that it is the noble thing to do to take care of their disabled spouse. However, when the initial reaction wears off, reality and permanency set in then things become different. Is physical appearance a major issue? You bet ya! What is the initial attraction between a man and a woman? We all know that it is how that person looks to you. If the disability causes a physical disfigurement, the spouse/caregiver will have a reaction to that appearance. Only a deep committed love will allow the spouse to look past the disfigurement. The major issue again is: are you letting your disability change your life? Keep your physical body in the best possible condition that you can. This will do a couple of different things. First off, it will keep you as healthy as possible. Second, it will help keep you from becoming depressed about your disability. Third, it will show your caregiver that you haven’t given up on yourself. You are willing to reinvent yourself to accommodate your disability so that your lives together will be changed as little as possible. Above, I have given you some of the things that your spouses/ caregivers will go through as a result of your disability. Now I am going to suggest to you what I found in my own disability needs to be done to maintain a strong marriage. You need to stay the same loving, caring person that your spouse fell in love with. I can’t tell you how important it is to keep a positive attitude. It is also easy to fall into a deep depression and let your whole life go down the tubes. Don’t let your disability become a crutch for you in your relationship. "Honey, my back is hurting to much today for me to go over your mothers house". This kind of an attitude will drive a stake between husband and wife. To circumvent this kind of thing happening, sit down with your caregiver and together work out guideline of what you can and can’t do physically. You need to push your self once and a while if you can so that your spouse sees that you are trying. If not, the healthy spouse will start to do things without the disabled spouse. This is especially true to the marriages of young adults. There is still a lot of lust involved with the relationship. Long-standing marriages have a lot more to fall back on. To keep your marriage strong, I suggest that you try keeping your weight the same as you were prior to your disability. To do this, you must exercise to your tolerance and adjust your eating habits accordingly. I know that you are saying "hey it is easy for you to say buddy but I’m the one hurting." You’re right, you are the one hurting. However, you are the only one who can keep some semblance of your life the way that it was. If it is at all possible, you need to move around as much as you can. This will not only help you physically, but it will also give you a sense of satisfaction mentally. If you allow your disability to change your mental/ psychological being as it has changed your physical being, then you are setting the stage for doomed relationships. Many people can handle the fact that their spouse has a physical handicap even if it is severe. However, if out of the physical handicap a mental/psychological handicap grows, then the relationship will surely suffer. In closing, take some time to grieve your physical loss. However, remember to grieve with your spouse. Then working with your spouse work towards a positive attitude about your disability. This will keep your relationship strong.
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